Damned kid

I should have known it was going to be a bad day when I backed out of the driveway this morning and knocked over the recycle bin. The recycling only gets collected every two weeks here so it was full to the brim with wine bottles. As I picked them all up out of the gutter I managed to cut my finger. At kinder I was sitting on the floor with the girl doing jigsaw puzzles, as is the routine, when we noticed my finger was bleeding. I asked her to get me a tissue, instead she ran to the teacher with the dramatic story of her mother's injury and bleeding finger. So we had to go through the whole band-aid thing.
Once I got home I ran through the list of things I had to do – gym, grocery shopping, fix the heater in the car, put the training wheels on the girls bike. The husband had snored all night long and no amount of prodding, shaking or yelling could rouse him so I had ended up on the couch. Needless to say, I had slept badly and I was very tired. The husband looked at me and told me to go back to bed and get some sleep, which I grateful did after setting the alarm on my mobile. At 12:30 the husband rang to wake me, thankfully, otherwise after having slept through the alarm I most likely would have slept through kinder pick up time.
Now I had promised the girl that if she made it through this week without night-time nappies and without wetting the bed I would buy her a Prince Eric doll ( the ponce from little mermaid). This is her second week without night nappies and she has done brilliantly. She did wet the bed on Monday night, but she was mortified and denied doing it. I asked her why I had changed the sheets and her pyjamas in the middle of the night if she hadn't wet the bed and she insisted that I just did it without cause. I realized she was so desperate for the damn doll I let that one go. She has been really good for the rest of the week – even getting up of her own accord to go to the toilet – so I am very proud. And I think she had earned the doll. So when I picked her up from kinder we headed out to the big shopping centre where Target is as I figured that I needed new gym gear and she needed a doll and it was the most likely place to get both.
We entered the shopping centre through Myer, the toy department, which happened to be having a 25% off sale. The desired doll was sourced (actually the prince from sleeping beauty, but for now I can get away with that sort of thing since Disney princes are fairly generic and she can't read) and purchased. We then headed for a 'chino – mine a large and hers minus coffee. She wanted a large 'chino so I actually ordered her a small white chocolate. While we were waiting we ripped the prince's box into ten thousand small pieces in an attempt to liberate him from the ludicrous amount of packaging that they insist on putting children's toys in these days. By the time the coffees arrived the prince was parading up and down the table. Ten second later three quarters of the hot chocolate was all over the table, the child and the floor. This was cleaned up and ten seconds later the remaining drink was following the previous. So here I am, all I want is a coffee – my first for the day at 1:30pm – I am tired, I've got my period and my finger hurts. I started getting cranky.
"Do you want another drink?"
"NO! I didn't like it!!" (How do you know? Did some of it actually fall in your mouth??)
"Well then can we sit while I drink mine?"
"OK".
The prince, meanwhile, continues to parade around the table, eventually finding the wall, the chair and the chair of the girl (young woman) sitting at the next table…
"Stop it. Leave that girl alone. Turn around. Sit on your bottom. Now wait while I finish my coffee".
Ten seconds later…
"Get back in your chair".
Five seconds..
"Get the prince out of the puddle of milk".
"Clean him with the serviette".
"BUT THEY'RE ALL WEEEEET!!!"
I get more serviettes.
Five seconds…
"Pick up the princes crown off the floor".
Ten seconds..
"Get back in your chair".
Ten seconds..
"I'll get it".
"I said I'll get it, get back in your chair, sit on your bottom".
Fifteen seconds…
"If you drop his crown again I'm not coming back for it".
Ten seconds..
"Get back in your chair".
"Can I finish my coffee?"
"OK, let's get out of here."
The staff (and other customers) at the café breath an audible sigh of relief as we leave.
I attempt to get to Target….
"Stay with me".
Ten seconds…
"STAY with me".
This goes on for several minutes. Our progress is hindered by the child being distracted by every single thing she sees and wandering off and me having to chase her and convince her to come with me. We eventually reach Target. Out the front they have a sale table with black chandeliers on sale for $18.43. I ring the husband, discuss it, agree to get three. Find a trolley, load it up with chandeliers. All the while retrieving the child from various places. I attempt to shop for gym gear. After a few minutes of arguing and nagging at the child I give up and struggle with the stupid trolley to the checkout. At one point the child looked at me and said "Is that trolley giving you the shits mummy?". I agreed and laughed. It's not ALL bad.
On the way back through the shopping centre we go past a shop that is selling Le Creuset saucepans for 50% off. I recently paid off my credit card. I decided I deserved it, went in and bought a HUGE pot for $200. All the while running in and out of the shop, between signing sales dockets and such, trying to get the child to stand with the trolley at the front of the shop. After her almost knocking over their window display and ramming someone with the trolley I had my saucepan and get her out of there and into the car.
We then went to Bunnings where I shoved her in the playground and relaxed for five minutes.
On the way home we stopped at one of the local schools to pick up enrollment forms. Once we were in the school building she decided she was scared and started making a fuss while I'm trying to explain what year we are applying for – I'm still not quite sure about terminology in this state, I think they may call prep kinder. I dunno.
Then on the way back to the car she cried she was cold, so as soon as we got to the car she of course buggered off up a hill.
Finally we needed to go to the local supermarket to get a few things for dinner. She wouldn't get out of the car. I had to yell and threaten and behave like a psychopath to get her to come with me into the shop. She was vaguely helpful in the supermarket and even helped me find the chillies. At the checkout, however, they have the ice cream freezer so of course she wanted an ice cream. I refused - not after the afternoon's behaviour. She screamed while I was paying for my groceries and screamed all the way home.
By the time the husband got home I was almost ready for a straight jacket.
I acknowledge my mistakes: the doll should not have been purchased until we were leaving the shopping centre, that way it could have been used as a bargaining tool. Also, I shouldn't have gone back to bed, I should have sucked up my tiredness and gone out, done what I needed to do and left the afternoon clear to devote to the child. I should also have brought in the washing that has been on the line for a week before the rain that is currently pelting down commenced.
The heater in the car is still not working, the bike still doesn't have training wheels (but it's raining so it doesn't matter) but the girl is asleep, no night nappy, Ariel and Prince Eric are lying in the bath together (nude) and the husband has given me enough wine to help me calm down and relax.
Does anybody ever get the hang of this parenting gig? Just as I seem to have one type of behaviour under control a new one appears. Before I know it I'll be dealing with bras and periods and boys and drugs and booze and contraception. For now, Barbies and tantrums are enough.
When I put her to bed tonight she cuddled me, told me she loved me, kissed me on the cheek, cuddled me again, and made all of today's dramas fade into nothing.