FIG JAM

I find myself being very reflective recently. Oh, that was a bad start – I'm reflecting on my life, I haven't been chromed and buffed to a mirror finish.
I have been delving into old music, contacting friends, reading through old blogs, just generally contemplating the meaning of life. I wonder if any of this is due to my rapidly approaching 40th birthday. Where did the years go?
I found this list of "40 things to do before you turn 40" on the web, my responses in italics:

1. Don't die!
So far, so good
.2. Write a book.
Does this blog count?
3. Learn a new language.
Did it, forgot it.
4. Visit a new country.
Lived for a year in Denmark – a long time ago, have also been to England, Wales, Scotland, Vietnam, France, Spain, Italy.
5. Pay off all your debts.
Financial I presume? Done. About to go into even more debt
6. Sponsor a poor child.
Done. I need cheap sneakers.
7. Get back in shape.
Have done this one a few times, then lost it again, currently trying again.
8. Try out for a movie…
Was an extra in The Queen of the Damned (what a shit film!!)
9. …sing horrible karaoke…
Done. My friend and I did a duet of "Suspicious Minds".
10. …or do anything to embarrass yourself!
Daily
11. Take one step toward your true passion.
My whole life is about realising my passions.
12. Quit your dead-end job.
Done. Quit several jobs over the years.
13. Stop smoking.
Done, although I was never a nicotine addict I did smoke other stuff heavily for a few years.
14. Rethink your least-favourite food. Taste buds change.
Done. I've tried rabbit, liver and Brussels sprouts. The sprouts I don't think I will ever come to terms with.
15. Go outside your comfort zone.
Like get a new job outside my field of expertise? Move to a new city? Done.
16. Move into the house of your dreams.
Will do in about 18 months.
17. Meet a new friend…
Done.
18. …of a different race…
Done.
19. …and a different religion than you.
Done
20. Forgive your mother. Hasn't it been long enough?
Done
21. Call your dad. Hasn't it been too long?
Can't, don't know where he is.
22. Stop speeding…
Hmm, I don't speed in my car (because I can't) but I did get a speeding ticket recently.
23. …and kill your road rage.
Yeah, when all the dickheads give up driving.
24. Take up a new sport.
Tried Fencing a couple of years ago. Enjoyed it, was even actually good at it, but it was too expensive and too difficult to manage as a single parent.
25. Play around with a new computer software program.
All the time.
26. Drive on Route 66.
That's on my list, along with visiting Graceland, Las Vegas and New Orleans.
27. Confess your affair to your spouse…
Done
28. …or, at least to yourself. Then end it.
Done
29. Take a cruise.
Day trip count?
30. Host a fun dinner party.
Done. Served a whole fish to a vegetarian.
31. Kick your all-day caffeine habit.
Done. Switched to decaf some time ago, reduced my PMT to almost nothing.
32. Find out the major tenets of all major faiths. Pick one. We all need something to believe in.
Done, I believe in myself.
33. Read the lyrics of one classic rap song…
Why?
34. …one popular country ode…
Coat of Many Colours
35. …and one rock anthem.
Khe San
36. Book that plastic surgery consultation you've been wanting since forever.
Hmm..
37. Set up your own website or blog.
Done
38. Live and let live.
Ok
39. Live and let die.
Then turn their skull into an ornament?
40. Live and live and live some more!
This is really boring.

That was too easy. I think I better make my own list; it seems other people set their sights way too low. I mean, "have a dinner party? Give up coffee?" are they serious?

OK, my list of things I've done that I consider an achievement:
1. At the age of 16 went and lived in a non-English speaking country for a year.
2. Learnt a foreign language (see above). Then forgot it.
3. Had a Mohawk.
4. Had blue hair.
5. Fell in love – more times than I can count! Had several passionate and tumultuous relationships.
6. Have had my heart broken and broke others.
7. One night stand – a couple??
8. Had green hair.
10. Read lots of philosophy and classic literature.
11. Went to Uni, got a degree (eventually).
12. Had purple hair.
13. Made love on a beach in the moonlight – and got spotlighted by a fishing boat.
14. Slept in a haunted house (lots of door slamming).
15. Went topless on a public beach.
16. Had red hair.
17. Been a groupie.
18. Been politically active.
19. Co-wrote a song – that nobody has ever heard, I have it on tape though!!
20. Written poetry.
21. Had black hair.
22. Tried to learn how to draw and paint.
23. Held the hand of my great grandmother as she died.
24. Made my own clothes.
25. Posed for a nude life drawing.
26. Attempted to learn how to play bass guitar.
27. Had blonde hair.
28. Lived in a group house – a few actually. The most interesting was a big old condemned house in Glen Iris, sharing with a very eccentric group of people. I eventually got kicked out for not being serious enough.
29. Experimented with drugs.
30. Said "no" to a marriage proposal.
31. Rebuilt the engine in my Morris Minor.
32. Music festivals – lots!
33. Established a career. Since chucked it.
34. Looked fabulous at my 20 year High School reunion.
35. Rubbed my fabulousness and success in the face of the girl who bullied me at High School.
36. Tiled my own kitchen and bathroom.
37. Learned how to make croissants from scratch.
38. Went sky diving.
39. Rode a camel across the Simpson desert.
40. Got married.
41. Had a baby.
42. Had an affair.
43. Got a tattoo.
44. Got divorced.
45. Went mad (briefly, I'm fine now).
46. Tried internet dating (gothicmatch.com).
47. Got married.
48. In PVC.
49. Rode through Venice, at night, in a gondola.
50. Realised that I'm worth something.
That was fun! I think I'm ready to be 40, in six months. Read more!

Ice and Pronouns

The course was starting at 9am. The child and I managed to burst out of the front door at 8:30am; I thought I was doing well. I strapped the child into her car seat and started my car to give the engine time to warm up. I then commenced scraping the ice off all the windows. Once I had done that I was faced with the task of moving the husband's car, which he had kindly parked behind mine. His car was also totally iced up and does not start well in cold weather. I revved and stalled and revved and stalled the car down the driveway, navigating by leaning out of the door so I could see, and finally managed to get it into the street. Meanwhile the child had got out of her seat and was crying because my car "was bumping"- it had choked and stalled. I started the car again and we set off, stopped to clear the windscreen and drove away again. It was 8:50am. After ditching the child at school I hammered the poor, old car to Uni and attempted to find the building and car park I needed amongst the campus labyrinth. I arrived at reception at 9:05am, pretty good going I thought. I then had to wait 5 minutes for the receptionist to get off the phone so I could find out which room I was supposed to be in. She directed me along a path, around a corner, up some stairs and to the tutorial room. The door was locked. I walked to the other door, which was also locked, but was able to get the attention of the people in the room. I was let in and I apologised for being late. Of course, there were no notebooks or pens left so the tutor had to faff around organising something for me. Finally I sat down to begin learning. My phone rang. I jumped up, apologised and left the room. After explaining to my co-worker that I wasn't in the lab that day and they would have to deal with the issue on their own I switched my phone to silent and returned to my seat. Then I started sneezing. I sat there, sneezing, thinking "these people all hate me". My suspicions were confirmed during the day as my attempts to make jokes during the class went ignored. I considered dismantling my pen and firing spit balls at the tutor but decided against it.
So two days later I am now well informed on the intricacies of the correct grammar of the English language. I now know when to hyphenate compounded adjectives and what a split infinitive is. I know that it's ok to end a sentence with a preposition and how to use a semicolon. I can identify an attributive adjective and a past participle. It's all very interesting. No, really! And best of all, I got a certificate.
During the course I pondered on how amazing it is that most of us know absolutely nothing about correct grammar, yet we manage to speak and write clearly anyway. I guess it's like a car – you don't have to know how the internal combustion engine works in order to drive one around. I don't think my new found knowledge will improve the quality of my blog (sorry) but it may make me ever so slightly more pompous, which I am quite pleased about. It is one of my goals in life to become completely arrogant and pompous. I also aspire to become (even more) eccentric, have long, unkempt hair, cackle loudly at inappropriate moments and be able to frighten small children with just a look. The fact that I can work towards at least one of these goals by attending a course paid for by my employer and attended during working hours is pure gold.
In other news, I have applied some of my laboratory knowledge to solving what has become a daily problem: removing ice from the car's windscreen. Scraping at it potentially scratches your windscreen and leaves icy residue. Pouring hot water on a frozen sheet of glass is sheer stupidity. The solution? A spray bottle full of metho: metho melts the ice and stops it refreezing. Sure you go to work smelling like a wino, but at least you can see clearly on your way there.
So my life is improving. I can construct a passive clause containing a modifying adverb and I can clear the ice off my windscreen. Wooo Hoo! Read more!

Self Justification

Last night I watched The World's Fastest Indian since it was on telly and had been recommended to me previously. What a brilliant film! Mostly due to it being packed full of 1960's American cars. Gorgeousness. Fins and chrome and big curvy, sweeping windscreens make a car as far as I'm concerned. I couldn't care less about fuel economy, reliability, compression ratios or how quickly it can go from 0 to 100 – I just want it to look good.

I occasionally feel guilty about driving a 47 year old car that doesn't have catalytic converters and only gets about 19 miles to the gallon (that's about 6km per litre) in terms of contributing to pollution and my carbon footprint blah blah. But I only use about 30 litres of petrol a week which is way less (I think) than all those big four wheel drive things. And another thing to consider is that very little industrial manufacturing has been required to support my vehicle in 47 years! My car has used tyres, oil, petrol and coolant and no other consumables or new parts in 47 years. I think that makes up for the fumes. Imagine if everybody kept their cars for 50 years, took on their parent's cars and just kept them going. That is a very high form of recycling, and imagine the environmental savings of not pumping out 50 squillion new cars every year. AND even better, we would all look very, very cool. But what about the car industry - its high levels of employment, and general contribution to the economy? Personally, I don't care, but if whole economies are going to collapse because people stop buying new cars then I guess it's an issue. Green backs before green trees. Tell that to the frogs.

As I get older and more jaded I become less concerned about trying to solve world problems. When I was a teen/early twenties I was very devout politically. I would go to demonstrations, I would shop politically, buy organically grown produce, ride my bike everywhere, only use vinegar and baking soda as cleaning products. Then one day, standing in the supermarket trying to work out which canned tomatoes to buy it occurred to me that I shouldn't even be buying Australian made produce, given our record of human rights abuses with the indigenous folk. And I thought "fuck it". Was I making a difference with all my efforts? I certainly had good skin and great thighs from the healthy food and cycling but otherwise – did anything I do really matter? How was I to know if all my carefully sorted recycling was actually getting recycled or just going to land fill? So I gave up. From then on I have bought from whichever country gave the best quality or value and I buy my groceries at the regular market (saving myself about $100 a week in the process). My only remaining greeny behaviour is to buy free range eggs and chicken when possible and I still recycle my rubbish, compost kitchen scraps and divert grey water to the garden in summer.
But the car issue I am still passionate about. Most people these days drive around in cars made of plastic which isn't recyclable, produces all sorts of nasty by products during the manufacture and they change cars frequently. I don't know many people who drive a car that's more than 10 years old. It is ridiculous that it becomes more financially viable to buy a new one than to fix the old one. So they end up generating a car sized amount of land fill. If cars were made properly in the first place and made of durable materials (like metal) they would last a lifetime and beyond – as mine has done.
The other problem with modern cars is that people are so spoilt with power steering and ABS brakes and parking sensors and all that other stuff that the average person can't even really drive – they just steer. There are fewer thought processes involved, less skill. I wonder if this de-skilling of drivers is responsible for the ever increasing road toll or just the general idiocy and incompetence that we see on the roads on a daily basis. I can reverse park a big old car that requires decent biceps for turning the steering wheel – so why can't other people reverse park their tiny, light weight, power assisted plastic boxes? The less we are challenged, the less we continue to learn and grow. I never want to stop learning, stop developing as a sentient being. We all know what our final destination is so why not make the journey as interesting as possible? Learn how to reverse park, learn how to change a tyre, learn how to check your brakes and do an oil change. Get involved. No I'm not saving the world, I'm just saving an old car and learning a few things along the way. Sorry frogs.

Read more!