Chocolate Biscuits and other Obscenities

..I remember reading an interview with Jeanette Winterson in which she wouldn't deny having prostituted herself to rich, bored housewives – and being paid in Le Creuset saucepans. Hmm…
To ease the heartbreak of dealing with my disintegrating saucepans I have purchased a new toaster (old one didn't survive transit) which has a digital display and goes "beep" when the toast is done. It's not a Biacore or a HPLC, but it goes "beep". I also bought a spider web and spider biscuit cutter – cute.

So, the girl and I made biscuits: spiders and bats (I always try to bring some Goth into everyday life) and butterflies (my compromise to 4 yo girlishness). I chocolate coated them and decorated them. The plan was to put a red stripe on the spider's tails to make them into redbacks. Unfortunately in order to make biscuits that look like spiders the legs need to be a bit fatter than desirable for perfect spiders or they would break. So I have these pudgy spiders, covered in chocolate with a blob of red icing on their tail. They didn't look right, so I gave them eyes. I have successfully created chocolate 8 limbed frogs with pubic hair. Fortunately to an innocent 4 year old they are still red back spiders.
Then I knitted the arms for the princess – sewed up the hands and arms, stuffed them, then thought "my god, they are knitted penises". I teased the husband with them for a bit. He is mortified and has offered to get me some help but couldn't find the number for Obscene Knitters Anonymous. Anyway, once they were adorned with frilly bits and sewed onto the doll they became much less pornographic. But between the husband and I the doll will forever be known as Princess Penis Hands (she is pictured above).

I received some very bad and incredibly distressing news on the weekend – the husband informed me that I am supposed to be doing housework all day, not just phaffing around at the gym, in cafes and plebbed on the couch knitting. Really?? That's terrible and I'm sure it can't be right. I've given it a bit of a go this week, but I don't like it. I'm sure he's made a mistake….
Oooo, better go, my coffee is getting cold and Dr Phil is on.

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Grannies, dogs and Princesses

So I did a class at the gym called Bodyvive, a combination of resistance and dance and yoga. During the dancy bit we needed to have a partner. Now, do you know who goes to the gym at 9:30am? Fat housewifes and retirees, needless to say, I fitted right in. Anyway, I ended up partnering a woman who was, without any exaggeration, about 70 years old. I was thinking "great, I'm doing aerobics with somebodies nanna". The problem was, this nanna could salsa - I can't. She salsad all over me. I was humiliated. Later in the class we were waving balls around (remembering this is a chicks only gym) and my ball slipped out of my hands and hit salsa nanna on the head. Fortunately she laughed and exclaimed "lucky it wasn't a cricket ball!". Latent hostility on my part? I hope not. I can cope with a lot of things, but the knowledge I may subconsciously be a nanna basher is too much.

When I went to get my girl from kinder I took the dog (english staffy) with me for a walk. The teacher saw me from the door and called out to the girl (who was still inside) ".. your dog's here". The girl looked up, exclaimed "that's not my dog, that's my mum." Bless her. She had also drawn a picture of herself next to what appears to be a building with a "VB" sign on the roof. She reassured me that it was, in fact, a "TV" and she wasn't trying to covertly inform the authorities that her mother is an alcoholic.

I then spent 2 hours this afternoon devising an elaborate speadsheet to track the ex's child support payments and what money has/should change hands. I also have another spreadsheet documenting the mileage I have been getting on my car. Missing work? Nah....

So far I have knitted the right leg and foot of a princess. Read more!